Thugs give hugs.

I don't want to be one of those people who blog about their dreams. Although I could rival Hunter S. Thompson's works with the crazy shit that goes on in my head when I sleep, I just think its a stupid thing to blog about. But, the following is what happens when I spent the majority of the weekend watching Weeds, reading David Sedaris and working. oh, and couple that with the brain damage I got from the shots I did on Friday.

So, I am hanging out at the morgue. That's right. Just me, going to watch some dead things on a sunny afternoon. While I am there--oh, and I was dressed really cute in a pencil skirt. My subconscious really wants one---I find this section where it is sort of like a hospice. These people are doomed. Like, obvs., if you are sent to a unit in the morgue, you're hope-level is pretty much going to be shot. The almost-dead are covered in yellow, green and red blankets. If they are in red they are dead, green really almost dead, yellow, pretty much dead. So I am walking around trying to see if there is any of these people that need anything or want to talk and i find a gangster thug hanging out under one of the yellow blankets, all burnt up. He starts talking about his baby and how its mother threw scalding water on him. so i find the baby under a red blanket and go back to tell him. Suddenly, a full blown gang fight breaks out. These thugs are climbing out of the blankets and trying to break out of the morgue. My yellow blanket buddy starts a fire with his bare hands (there's heroes) and after a lot of police dodging, we make it out of the morgue and hole up in his drug den in Compton or wherever. Now I am in a Weeds episode, trying to get along in an environment I am totally uncomfortable with. So, I make my own mark, and by the end of the dream, I am driving around in a cute dress, throwing up gang signs to fellas dressed in pink and green plaid golf outfits, or hipsters in scarves and glasses, all of these thugs transformed by fashion instead of colors. I felt I had really made a difference.

So, while I was writing this, I became very aware of how strange I am. I hope I enlightened the four of you as well.

For the birds

So, last night at the office, Andrea and I are chatting and we hear a squeak. We did the whole, "did you hear that?" bit. And sat silently. Nothing. Andrea went to get dinner and came back, backed slowly from her cubicle and said, I saw something black. I walk over to check it out, and under another cube, see a large dark thing scurry. I immediately climb up on my desk like the leggy characters in a Tom and Jerry toon. We contemplate what to do while squealing like little girls and talking about how weak our legs feel. I get down from atop my desk to see if I can get a better look at this rat-like animal, and there she is.

A bird.

I hate, hate, hate birds. They are scary and gross and one of my worst fears is that a wayward one will crash into my head, biting me and giving me rabies, the bird flu, salmonella, lice and whatever else those dirty little mutants carry around in their creepy little talons. I think it would be less dangerous to be in an unprotected three-way between Ron Jeremy and Magic Johnson.

Full-blown panic sets in. I am a stuttering, shaking mess. Just saying bird repeatedly. Andrea, not afraid since its not a rat, goes in search of it. And never finds it. The bird is still at large and I spent the rest of the night with my feet pulled up to my chest on my chair, watching the drop ceiling for signs of death's silhouette.

There was never anywhere to go but home.

There is a scene in Weeds where the teenage son is calling a catalogue company, asking them to stop sending his recently deceased father mail. I had completely forgotten that I used to get irate and freak out on telemarketers when they would call and fumble over his name (Asa, is apparently hard to say?) and it got to the point when I would just bluntly say, "He's dead," and hang up and cry.
Anyways, I just went to my mom's mailbox, and there it was: a postcard to my dad from McKeesport Symphony Orchestra for season ticket holders. He's been dead for more than 10 years, never lived at this address and, definitely, was not the kind of guy to have season tickets to any symphony, let alone the crappy McKeesport one.
I just find it bizarre that something that I hadn't thought of for years was brought back to my memory twice this week.

The partly cloudy patriot.

I'm reading Sarah Vowell's 'Partly Cloudy Patriot,' which is a collection of memiors where she explores U.S. History and and, in doing so, relates them to experiences she has had in her own life. Its really a good read and I will let anyone borrow it when I am finished.

Anyways, I was reading last night before bed, and in one chapter, she states that while she may not have a religion, her faith is in the idea of American democracy. Her Bible is the Constition and the Declaration of Independence. And then she spits out the prettiest little paragraph about voting:

"All of which is to say, look up the word suffrage in the dictionary. In mine, after noting the main meanings-the priveledge of voting is the "exercise of such a right," the third interpretation of suffrage is this: "A short intercessory prayer." Isn't that beautiful? And true? For what is voting if not a kind of prayer, and what prayers are not declarations of hope and desire."

Anyways, I thought that was wonderful and the whole chapter from which I lifted it made me realise how much I take for granted that right and what women had to go through to give me that right. Tough bitches. While I have always voted, its almost been more of a chore to me. Like, ugh, I have to get up early before work to vote. This year, thanks to this book, I will think of it as a little prayer for our future.

Okay, I feel like I should go watch Mary Poppins or something now. Don't worry, my next blog is going to be about how much I hate when people tell me they prayed.

Alcohol online.

Lol cats provides me with all the Wall Street humor I care to have. So, I am usually far too lazy and self-absorbed care or think about the DOW and our impending finiancial crisis, but its all over my homepage, therefore (such as-- haha, ramie) in my life. The middle-aged men with their heads in their hands are really starting to freak me out.

AOL had a little segment on how to save money, so in my old men crying-induced panic I click on it. It was so disheartening. I do alll of those things: home pedicures (yeah, or slapping on some paint to the toes), forgoeing the gym (obvs.), get rid of landlines (I haven't had one of these since 1999), limit trips to the ATM (i never go to them since I can't be trusted), buy generic grocery brands (i do this, and barely eat), get a library card (do my friends count as the public library?) etc. AOL is stupid, I have been living like there is a financial crisis my entire life.



But the thing I found bizzare, instead of saying how to cut electricity costs or use disposable diapers, AOL new source offers this, the best advice ever:











Pre-Game
The markup on alcohol at a restaurant or bar is easily 100% more than the retail price at a liquor store. Next Saturday night when you plan on going out, first have a little cocktail party at your house to help limit how much you spend at the bars. And of course, drink responsibly.

It's useful being top banana in the shock department.

Pathetically, nothing made me really happy yesterday. Today, its been dreary and makes me want to curl up and pull the covers over my head and sleep for days. That would make me happy. However, as I still have four hours left of work, that is not an option.

And the five:


1.) I visited my old friend Abby today. I haven't seen her since she surprised me at dinner by waltzing in, unceremoniously unzipping her coat and letting her five-month preggo belly let me know she was expecting and said, "I want to die." Shocking. She is one of those awesome friends that I don't see very often, but as soon as I do, I am instantly sad that I don't get to see her more. We worked together for years, had lunch every day, our boyfriends at the time loved each other, we ran around Paris together and were mistaken for sisters by numerous tables we were waiting on. Anyways, she greeted me at the door, holding this small child. It was insane. I was so happy that she wasn't in super mommy mode (her baby was toddling around with a lighter in her hand, upon warning Abs, she just says, Oh, yeah, she loves it. She also told the story of being two weeks past her due date, and some old man in a store commented that she must be carrying twins. To which she responded with FUCK YOU and started crying. haha. I really do love her. ) This is getting long-winded and quite lovey dovey but, her baby is awesome and when we were talking, abby and I were laughing and the baby started mimicking us, wrinkling her nose and screaming laughing. So funny. And this baby knows sign language for milk and poop, among other things. And this is awesome, she lives in Andy Warhol's house that he grew up in, and all the original EVERYTHING is in there, like plumbing, etc. So it looks awesome and was cool to think of the history. It really made my day to hang out with her and to have a friendship like that, where even if we haven't seen each other in a long time, we just click back like we saw each other yesterday. It made me very happy.

2.) I bought a Grow-a-Skull toy on Sunday. It says, "So cute, I could die" underneath. I hung it in my cubicle. So now all the ad services people thing I am super goth.

3.) I just met the new cleaning lady at the office. I was introduced to her and she had rubber gloves on so couldn't shake my hand. So she gave me the biggest hug ever. So cute. Her name is Miss Patty.

Only three things made me happy today. I would like to say that the night is still young, but I have a half hour left of work and am going to go home and do that whole forget the world bit I was talking about earlier.

fall time comin and I guess my little bird can sing.

So, I am bringing this back from 5 years ago when I used to do this in my IM profile. Because, clearly, I am regressing. But I love the list. So here is the top list, that I will do every night, more for me than anything, of the top five things that made me happy today.

I know you are riveted.



1.) This monster dog, who I am temporarily attached at the hip displasia with, is Rocky. He's gross; he drools and snores and chewed all of my shoes when he first came into my life when I was 17. There was also the wake up and step in the poop he so lovingly left beside my bed when I was home for Christmas freshman year extravaganza. But we have moved past that. So, I took him for a little car ride today and, in his old age, he just sort of slumped over in the passenger seat like a depressing sack of potatoes. So we went to the drive thru at the bank and when I recieved my money, there was also a doggy biscuit tucked in with my cash. Rocky was happy and it helped his breath. I was happy because who doesn't love a freebie. I just thought it was really nice of National City.



Here's Rocky, just because I like to spruce up my blogs with photos:

2.) Tonight I realized that my 17-year-old self would totally love our life. Freedom to blast Jimmy Eat World at high volumes, drive wherever, smoke cigarettes without hanging out the bathroom window, buy and consume alcohol and stay up really, really late. Because when I was 17, that is all I wanted in my life. My priorities really haven't changed much.

3.) Sylar on Heroes wore a "Hail to the Chef" apron. Two episodes in a row that his fashion choices have been fantastic. He looked smokin hot in the suit last week and completely ridiculous in this one. I actually stopped watching half way through, because there were plot holes all the way to China. It was a snap decision and one I regret, so if someone (chris/ramie) wants to forgive me and fill me in, I would be grateful.

4.) I found the best present for someone today. That's all about that.

5.) After seven days in a row of work, I had a weekend. Yesterday I had tons of fun. Today, I kept to myself and stayed in my pjs til noon and was back in them at eight and loved every second of it.

Phew, I don't know if I can do that every night. Too much commitment. We'll see.

I helped her out a jam, I guess, but I used a little too much force.

Rock band II has their setlist up. I can't stress how much I don't care about this. But I know that Chris and Steve will so, by default, I will probably get to see you two gents rockin' guy liner and clicking your ways through Sprit in the Sky. I can't wait.

So here you go, by the decade:


• 2000s
Abnormality “Visions”
AFI “Girl’s Gone Grey”
Anarchy Club “Get Clean”
Avenged Sevenfold “Almost Easy”
Bang Camaro “Night Lies”
Beck “E-Pro”
Breaking Wheel “Shoulder to the Plow”
Disturbed “Down with the Sickness”
Dream Theater “Panic Attack”
Guns N’ Roses “Shackler’s Revenge”
That Handsome Devil “Rob the Prez-O-Dent”
Interpol “PDA”
Jimmy Eat World “The Middle” ***HAPPY***
Lacuna Coil “Our Truth”
The Libyans “Neighborhood”
Linkin Park “One Step Closer”
The Main Drag “A Jagged Gorgeous Winter”
Mastodon “Colony of Birchmen”
Modest Mouse “Float On”
Panic at the Disco “Nine in the Afternoon”
Paramore “That’s What You Get”
Rise Against “Give it All”
Silversun Pickups “Lazy Eye”
Speck “Conventional Lover”
The Sterns “Supreme Girl”
System of a Down “Chop Suey”
Tenacious D “Master Exploder”
The Donnas “New Kid in School”



• 1990s
Alanis Morissette “You Oughta Know” ***I see me and ramie possibly getting drunk and singing this. Or, maybe just me.****
Alice in Chains “Man in the Box” ***I didn't know the makers of Rock band were Satanists.
Beastie Boys “So Whatcha Want”
Bikini Kill “Rebel Girl”
Dinosaur Jr. “Feel the Pain”
Foo Fighters “Everlong”
Judas Priest “Painkiller”
L7 “Pretend We’re Dead”
Lit “My Own Worst Enemy” ***I can already hear Chris singing this.***
Lush “De-Luxe”
Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Where’d You Go”
The Muffs “Kids in America”
Nirvana “Drain You”
The Offspring “Come Out & Play (Keep ‘em Separated)”
Pearl Jam “Alive”
Presidents of the USA “Lump” **I can't wait***
Rage Against the Machine “Testify”
Red Hot Chili Peppers “Give it Away”
Smashing Pumpkins “Today”
Social Distortion “I Was Wrong”
Soundgarden “Spoonman”
Testament “Souls of Black”


• 1980s
Billy Idol “White Wedding Pt. I”
Bon Jovi “Livin’ on a Prayer”
Devo “Uncontrollable Urge”
Duran Duran “Hungry Like the Wolf”
The Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat” *I request Steve sing this.
The Grateful Dead “Alabama Getaway”
Jane’s Addiction “Mountain Song”
Joan Jett “Bad Reputation”
Megadeth “Peace Sells”
Metallica “Battery”
Motorhead “Ace of Spades”
Ratt “Round & Round”
The Replacements “Alex Chilton”
Sonic Youth “Teenage Riot”
Survivor “Eye of the Tiger” **better do this while on the stair climber.


• 1970s
AC/DC “Let There Be Rock”
Allman Brothers “Ramblin’ Man”
Bad Company “Shooting Star”
Blondie “One Way or Another”
Bob Dylan “Tangled Up in Blue” **THIS IS AWESOME!!**
Cheap Trick “Hello There”
Elvis Costello “Pump It Up”
Fleetwood Mac “Go Your Own Way” ***As is this***
The Guess Who “American Woman”
Jethro Tull “Aqualung”
Journey “Anyway You Want It”
Kansas “Carry On Wayward Son”
Rush “The Trees”
Squeeze “Cool for Cats”
Steely Dan “Bodhitsattva”
Steve Miller Band “Rock’n Me”
Talking Heads “Psycho Killer”


• 1960s
Norman Greenbaum “Spirit in the Sky” ***so maybe not satanists.
The Who “Pinball Wizard”
**pinball wizard has always pissed me off. There is NO WAY a deaf, dumb AND blind kid could even get the quarters in the slots of a pin ball machine. Let alone play it, meanly. Stupid Tommy.


So, someone has got to get it. So I can drink and laugh and try to play, and fail before the first chorus kicks in.


**Bonus points for naming the song that my blog title is from. Its one of my favorites.

Hallo-weiners.

Ramie offered me a blog idea since I am bored at work and can't think for myself.









Baby Halloween Costumes.









So, the three of you who read this blog all know I wasn't allowed to celebrate Halloween due to religious reasons. Brandon, you don't know this. I wasn't. It sucked. Even when I was six, I knew it sucked big time. I was no permitted to attend school on October 31st and would have to go to the crazy born-again church "lock-ins" on that night. They would still give us candy. It always seemed really hypocritical to me. Like, just don't celebrate it, but please don't lock me in a gymnasium and make me sing terrible Christian music and tell me my friends dressed like princesses are going to burn in Hell for an eternity. My church was so weird.









My mom always tried to brainwash me into being thankful that I didn't have to go around, begging for food from the neighbors like all the other kids, when I just got the crappy Jesus candy for no effort at all.









So, I have a love-hate relationship with Halloween. I love to play dress up, I love themes. But, every year, I feel a little bitter about having missed out on Halloween when it was fun and meant something (besides turning your back on your Lord and Savior.)









Anyways, sorry, Ramie, I don't know what your opinion on it was, but I bet ours will differ. I LOVE baby halloween costumes. I don't even really like babies much...but LOOK at that little thing in a pea pod! I think my future offsping may be in danger of wearing costumes until they can at least say, "Mommy, I hate you."









So, cute costumes. Go for it. Dress your baby like a pizza slice, a bananna, an octopus. The members of baby-killer-bridal-party (the amazing hardcore band, fronted by Fishonascooter) will find this baby look quite inspirational:










Sidenote:



One of my co-workers, a nice older lady, just saw this image on my computer.





I am planning on living out my dreams of candy-getting via my children. I am dressing my little bundle of joy up like Lucifer and taking him/her to my grandmother's, every day in October. And I will make her address him/her as Baby Beelzebub. Oh, just another reason to have children.



Also, if anyone is looking to do a group dress up this year, I have our costume:





I call mid-wife.