The day breaks, your mind aches.

It is quite possible that I will delete this by the time I roll out of bed in what is sure to be the afternoon. Nothing good can come out of a directionless blog written during a bout of insomnia. I did try really hard to go to bed early, which makes me all the more annoyed. At two, I decided that I would watch some movie with Jake Gyllenhall and cutie pie Reese Witherspoon. You'd think that was a romantic comedy, right? Well, without my glasses, I didn't bother to read, and just turned it on, hoping it would bore me into sleep submission. Nope. Huge drama about a women whose husband is taken by our government on suspected terrorism to another country to be tortured. I totally forget what this movie is called now, even though I literally just finished watching it. Retribution, maybe? Whatever, Reese is running around Washington DC in her third trimester and terrorists are plotting jihad. Now, when I try to go to sleep, I just picture a bunch of scary men who hate us and scary governments who don't know what to do so they torture people on any sort of suspicious activity. Its why I hardly pay attention to any sort of war talk. It stresses me out so bad, I can't sleep.

So, chamomile tea is making me have Gwen Stefani play in my head. Terrorists and Gwen. Minds are so weird. Especially when really really tired.

Christmas is like three days away and the Christmas spirit has not even begun to sneak up on me. Not at all. I was thinking earlier about how happy I was that Ramie had me over to decorate her Christmas Tree. (Thanks Rams) It kept it from this being the first year of my life that I didn't decorate one. Although, the fact that I don't have one in my house, kind of makes me feel like a 28 year old version of my grandma that brandon loves so much. Except I don't have a cause. I just don't have any desire to have a tree. and society can't make me. In good news though, I currently have, in my office, enough chocolate and candy to wipe out a large colony of diabetics. Funeral homes just keep sending them to my department and its really nice. But there is soooo much! If any one needs a few pounds, let me know.

Hmm, what else can I bore you with? This should really just be an email to someone. Then I am only affecting one sorry soul instead of all of you (or three of you). My first boyfriend made national news today. His house was raided. In it, they found cocaine, a whole weed growing operation, mushrooms, 88 guns (automatic and...manual?). They said he was responsible for delivering 50 kilos of cocaine to Western PA over four years. I think that is a lot. Man, I used to know how to pick 'em. You know those movies about kids and in the end they say what happened to them when they grew up. Like Stand By Me? Sometimes I look back on people I used to know, and its astounding what happens to them and I wish I would have written the story and these wouldn't have been the final results. Like, how on earth do you go from being an 8th grade kid to that? Its a good read. http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/tribunereview/search/s_603803.html

Also, today was the first day of winter. I just learned this, because I personally thought it has felt like it since September. I keep making promises to myself when I walk outside into 2 degree weather that this will be my last north eastern winter. I even further kid myself by meandering around the Nashville craigslist looking at apartments (which are so cheap and nice) and jobs. But, I know myself, I'm going to be making these promises every year until I am 80. Then its Tennessee for sure.

Thanks for reading this mess if you got through it. Its 4:46 and think I will go organize closets or something. Also, I might think its funny in a few hours to give some of you wake up calls. And I might guesstimate what time you actually set your alarms, so you may get to wake up early and get a jump start on your days. You can thank me later. I picture Ramie just jumping through the receiver at me.

And, I think Jim Croce slays. Yes, SLAYS. Operator is such an underrated song.

I would read all of these.

Little love

I don't know why I was thinking about the celebrity crushes I have had in my lifetime today. Okay, yes I do. I was driving to work and listening to Queens of the Stone Age. I had the biggest crush on Josh Homme for a good year after Lullabies to Paralyze came out. Now, I listen to his lyrics, "I know you're dying to be free, so kill yourself," and I think he is a bit insensitive. And doesn't have a whole lot of eyelids.

Its amazing how my tastes change. It really makes me feel like I am schizophrenic with my choices.

My first celebrity crush was very unlikely. I was five or six years old. Every Sunday, while my family was watching M*A*S*H and ignoring me, I would play dress up with my mom's clothes. Dressed with my mom's slip pooling around my feet, which were swimming in light pink heels, a fur drapped around my neck, I had makeup just dripping off my face. My brother, who is four years older than me, started making fun of me. Brutally. I said, "Shut up, I am getting ready for my date with Webster." That's right. My first ever crush was on the little guy who played Webster on the TV series.

I don't think I have ever recovered.

lolz

Isn't it pretty to think so?

Quick hates:

~The distrust that gas stations have in my ability to pump gas. Why, when it is so cold, does the pump slow down at $24.70. Those last 30 cents are the longest.

~Weirdos who lurk around my cubicle and annoy me so much that I have to IM co-workers to call me so they will (maybe) get the hint and go away.

~Girls who buy fake Louis Vittone bags. Or the real ones. But at least I will have more respect that you actually shelled out the cash for the ugliness.

~Math. I spent all day being mad about my paycheck. Turns out, I just can't add and multiply.

~Jody Sweetin. She was the shitty girl on Full House. Even at age nine, I would groan when the story line revolved around her. Mr. Bear was ugly. "How rude" is a lame catch phrase. I don't care about her meth problems or divorce. Jody is a dumb name. The Olsen twins will still outshine you.

~That Pandora thinks I am depressed. Its all Mazzy Star, Jonas, Damien Rice, Cat Power, Belle and Sebastian. One bad week, and Katio Radio is shot to shit. Also, I made the mistake of adding the Fray (what?) and have opened myself up to all sorts of John Mayers and Counting Crows. Tread carefully when on Pandora. Pretty soon, it can just be a cry fest.

~That cell phones have made it less fun to hang up on people. We talked about this at work yesterday. There is not the same satisfaction of flipping a phone shut as there was with slamming it down. So, I flip and throw, which is just bad for my phone. Or, the hung up-ee will call back and be like, "Did you lose signal" and I have to say, "No. I hung up on you." and then the flip and throw would have to start all over again. Its been a long time since I've hung up on anyone. Any takers?

~Santa Claus. The fact that parents are willing to let their children sit on a stranger's lap and beg for things astounds me. My grandma told me at age four that he didn't exist (she really does like to hold off Jesus' competition.) I thought my Kindergarten class would like to know the truth. Mrs. Phillips did not think that this sort of truthfulness was a part of the 'honesty is the best policy' lesson we just had. If you chop down a cherry tree, you better fess up. If you find out that your parents are liars and the man you are leaving cookies for is a myth, keep it to yourself.



~That my online social life is far overshadowing my real life-social life. Can people please leave their houses? I know its cold. But, any where we would go has heat. Its like magic.



~That we, as humans, are expected to eat three entire meals EVERYDAY. Its so annoying and expensive. And, really, if we are so "evolved" why couldn't we be more like camels. It would be such a time saver.



Now, its time for me to Christmas shop.

the need to destroy things creeps up on me everytime

I'm intruducing a new segment. Its called, "Why do I hate so much?" I don't know why I am becoming such a hateful person. But I am.

I hate people who over-share. I know I am guilty of this--especially when drinking--but see, when I do things, its okay. When others do the same things, it really annoys me. I think there is a word for that, but I don't know it.

Today, at work, this crazy old bat leaves three messages to call her. All before 9 a.m., which is well before most people I know are awake, let alone at work. I return her phone call, have to let her know that someone she grew up with in 1930 or whenever is dead. She says she is sorry for calling a lot, but she talks some medication. She is 77. She forgets. She hates doctors. She went to get a pap smear from her doctor, he hurt her. She now goes to a female doctor. She's never had genecological problems before. She would feed me if I was there. She is Italian. She loves football. She met Troy Paulomulu once, tried to kiss him. She had a nice time talking to me.

I try to get off the phone with her. I stand up in my cube to indicate to my fellow workers that I am having the strangest conversation. I just can't be mean to her. I am not keeping the flow of conversation. She's old. Maybe she forgets that I am not her daughter. It just made me hate the phone and the thought of getting old.

More Kate hate later.

Ba Hum Bug

Oh, hi, guys. I am in a terrible mood. Actually, I am JUST in a newly bad mood. This morning, I was all abuzz with coffee. Then I got to work, realized my sweet double time and a half dream paycheck was messed up. And, crash and burn. Now the rage is just intensified by the coffee. The term bitch on wheels could be made for me, if I had skates. Or sexy roller derby gear. But, my work life pretty much couldn't suck anymore than it does.

I'd like to talk more about Christmas songs. Because they also play ALL THE TIME at work. Why are most Christmas songs so dumb? I mean, Christmas is dumb. But hey, walkin' in a winter wonderland, way to use meadow imagery wrong. Meadows to me remind me of springtime and greenery. Not a place to build a snowman. and then pretending he is some Rev. to marry you? How messed up is that. If any jerk says, oh, baby, let's dress this snow man up like a priest and pretend to say our nuptials, break up with him. He's obviously trying to get in your pants. Vows made before snowmen, even ones wearing reverend gear, are not legally binding in the United States, with the possible exception of Alaska.

Rockin Around the Christmas tree is a lie. Maybe my family sucks, but we do no rocking around any sort of tree. There is no dancing. Do any of you dance around with your families? Am I left out? My ex boyfriend's family was awesome and very Christmasy. He however, was not awesome. He thought the idea of white Christmas always should involve cocaine. But his nice family would sit around and play charades and then sing the 12 days of Christmas. I'd always get a big part because I hate to sing in front of people. So they thought it was cute to give me five golden rings for six years. I miss them. Anyways, don't get me started on the 12 days of Christmas presents. What a bunch of crap. No one wants 9 ladies dancing, six geese a layin would make the biggest mess ever and I think only the Steelers can get away with wearing five golden rings. Its like presents you get from your grandma. Except I don't get presents from my grandma. She doesn't celebrate Christmas since it became competition for Jesus. Instead, the only thing she does to acknowledge it, is hang a HUGE, billboard size, sign on her porch that says, Happy Birthday, Jesus. Then she shines a spot light on it. But, your grandma, might buy you presents. And I hope they are ugly, or the fact that mine doesn't do it would sting a little more.

Or Santa Baby. Man, what a whore that girl is. I kinda like it. Santa Clause would be the sweetest sugar daddy.

The kiss of deaf

BEIJING (Reuters) - A young woman in southern China has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss, local media reported Monday.
The 20-something girl from Zhuhai, in southern Guangdong province, went to hospital completely deaf in her left ear, the China Daily said, citing a report in a local newspaper.
"The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear," the paper quoted a doctor surnamed Li from the hospital as saying.
The woman's hearing would likely return to normal after about two months, Li said.
"While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution," the paper said.

yes. I am a girl.

I just thought these were pretty. I'm feeling girly.

THE real thing.

While everyone may enjoy this picture, this is for a Yinzer's Diary. Which never really was a diary. And is bordering on not being able to be called a blog anymore.

I wonder if Cokes really do hate Pepsi. Their colors are so bloods and crypts, right?

When those blue snowflakes start falling

Everyone knows the Elvis version of Blue Christmas and that Elvis was a sexy boy before he became obese. Even then, obesity sort of worked for him. It was off-set by the mutton chops. Anyways, today I heard the Porky Pig version. This isn't some obsure band you haven't put on your itunes yet. Actual Porky Pig. I hadn't heard it for years. Twelve to be exact. I don't know how I keep missing this piggy gem. But I want to talk about when I heard it last.

I was 16 and my mom, dad and I were driving home from the hospital. My dad died two months later and it was a bad doctor visit. I promise this is not going to be depressing. So Christmas that year was pretty much going to suck and no one really wanted to deal with it. This song comes on, my mom and I had been crying. Porky Pig singing Elvis drove us into near hysterical laughter. Pretty soon, the three of us are singing along, Christmas cheer saved by a stuttering cartoon piglet.

Hearing it again made me so happy for how I handle certain situations--and happy that its something positive that I got to take away from a bad time. Sometimes all you can do is laugh at how much life can be ridiculous at times. It might not always be the most mature reaction to things, but sometimes it just feels good to laugh.

I hope you all think very hard about how cute ol Porky is when you are eating your Christmas ham. I know I will. Cute and delicious.

Sugar, spell it out.

Oh, hey there, Sprint. Just wanted to tell you that I think you suck. And you know there is nothing I can do about it, because you own my text messaging soul until somewhere around 2011. Probably longer, because when your craptastic phone breaks, you will give me a new replacement one that is even shittier (but pink or baby blue--so that I will covet it, you sneaky bastard, you know my weakness for girly colors) but free, if I sign another 3 year contract. And I will cave. Because I am weak.

So, yeah. My phone is broken and I can't receive or send out text messages. For a girl who, last month, used 3,456 texts, this is heart-wrentching. I actually have to dial numbers and then, worst yet, talk to actual humans!

I also went to a very expensive spa to get my hair done today. I was thinking that expensive equals no croqs. I was safe there, but it still didn't stop the girl, who was pretty nice but a little dumb, from DRILLING me with questions. After nosing around about my favorite things to do, "clubs" to go to, favorite movies, shows, places to christmas shop, occupation, age, college, if I think its possible for a pomleranian to OCD, she asked: So, do you live alone? so I decided to make this girl as uncomfortable as possible. Spilling my personal life, with embellishments and some downright lies. The girl didn't even wince. She just went into details about her boyfriend slept with a girl she is aquainted with, on prom night, five years before she knew the boy or girl. And how she confronted the girl. WTF. This made the cut go slower. It took 2 hours. My hair looks cute, if I was going to zen or somewhere. But, I am going to work. With super big, curly hair. I should be on one of those volumizing shampoo commercials. And I am going out tonight. By then I will look like roadkill, with lots of hairspray...

I do get to attend the mortician's ball on Thursday night. I am super excited. Its always a lively time.